When the doctor told us she had died everyone was crying but I couldn’t even move or react, I couldn’t believe it. She was the pilar of the family. What didn’t help was that 15 minutes later they were trying to convince us to donate her body parts to people who needed it. At first I wasn’t on it because my mum waited 7+ years for a kidney she never received. When I was 16 years old I carried my mum into the grave. I never would’ve imagined that I would have to do that, and I never ever want to have to do it again, because that pain is just something different. Especially lowering her down. My dad cried, he just broke down in front of everyone, I had never ever seen my dad cry in my life. At the funeral I was one of the people who carried the coffin , I remember thinking ‘this is so mad, my mum carried me into this world and now I’m carrying her out’. My mum will never meet my wife or my kids, she wasn’t there to drop me off to uni, well she was because the spirit lives on, but not in the flesh.
The morning after my mum died I had a dream about her, she came and told me not to worry and that she was okay. From that day onwards my journey to accepting and coming to terms with her death began. It’s been a few years since my mum passed and last Monday was her birthday. I’ve never sat down and deeply thought or spoken about her death. I used to think; ’nobody truly understands what I’m going through so what’s the point?’. But now I’m in a better place, and this is what my mum would want, she would want me to move on, she would want me to let go, and she would want me to express everything. I hope me opening up will help someone else out there that’s going through something similar. I just want you to know that it’s gonna be alright.
The hardest thing to come to terms with is the fact that I will never speak to my mum again and I will never meet anyone I love as much as I love her, she was my best friend. Every time I would speak to a girl I would compare her to my mum, I was looking for someone to fill that void. I didn’t want anyone in my life if they weren’t my mum or like my mum, but that’s where I was going wrong. Part of me letting go was me accepting that I can’t have the same bond or relationship I had with my mum with a romantic partner.
In the first year after my mum died I didn’t make time for myself. But in the second year I took a lot of time out to analyse things differently, I became more accustomed to my own presence and I got to know myself better. I don’t think I knew myself very well before my mum’s death, I feel like now I actually know me.
To me closure is being able to think about my mum without crying, and not shying away from conversations about my mum, essentially accepting what’s happened. Which I feel I’m able to do now. I have a voice note of her that I kept, I listen to it from time to time. When she first died hearing it would make me cry, but now it makes me happy, I’m reminded of how loving and caring my mother was.
Her death showed me that I have mental strength. I could’ve just fell off, left home, started smoking or left school. But I worked hard and got into the uni I told her I was going to get into and got onto the course I told her I was going to study. I have a reason to be great and go hard; my mum, that’s my driving force.
Use the death of a loved one to push you further, don’t let it hold you back or make you stagnant. Tell yourself ’this is what I’ve gone through and this is why I’ve got to make it’. Speak to people around you, don’t feel like you’re alone, there’s always someone who will understand what you’re going through, or will be going through what you’re going though. I promise you it’s not easy, but there will be people around you who are willing to support. You speaking about it to someone could help you and the other person. If you have siblings keep them close, be there for them, go out and spend time with them because soon everyone will grow up and you won’t have as much time for each other.
3yamind 
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